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Added: Aleena Sears - Date: 05.02.2022 23:16 - Views: 17765 - Clicks: 4397

Harmonious Relationships: Achieving Intimacy and Assertiveness. Guidelines for successful romances, friendships, and relationships of many types. I nformation and Quick Tips. Overcoming Fears of Rejection. Common Factors Underlying Relationship Success. Intimacy skills and behavior are the root of closeness and love. Our research found a correlation of more than. When people mysteriously fall out of love, it is often because the intimacy disappears.

Lack of communication and sexual intimacy can destroy an otherwise good relationship. Communication intimacy consists primarily of self-disclosure give information and empathetic listening receive information skills. Most people think they are good at both. They probably meet minimal skill levels. But few people are very good at both. Look at your score on our SHAQ intimacy scale. Good self-disclosure means being open about telling what your emotions are as you talk and revealing your innermost thoughts and feelings to someone you trust.

It means telling what your dreams, hopes, interests, goals, and plans are to that person. It also means communicating both positive and negative feelings about your partner in a loving and constructive manner. The overwhelming majority of comments would be honest compliments. If you don't honestly feel that way about your partner, then the relationship probably has serious problems that you may need to address in counseling or elsewhere.

See our conflict resolution skills help. What is the bigger issue that they may be afraid to talk about or be unaware of themselves? These issues relate to their top goals and fears in life, to their self-esteem, to their fears about whether you love them or not, etc. Give your partner time to say whether your understanding is correct or not. Just summarize their point of view and ask questions that help them explore to show your interest and understanding. Frequent compliments and "I love your" or "I care for you" type statements or actions.

Developing and using good intimacy skills can have a dramatic effect on not only your love relationships, but your friendships and your work relationships as well. If you want to develop friendships, dating relationships, or progress from dating to committed relationships, then the detailed guide, Skills For Meeting People, Dating, and Developing Intimacy , can be very helpful. I strongly suggest that you read it. It can also help with issues related to fears of rejection and past histories of not doing well meeting people or developing intimate relationships romantic or friendship.

Sometimes people have trouble being themselves or being open with others because they lack self-confidence. They may be too worried about what others think, about losing approval, or about being rejected. If this may be a problem for you, then see our help sections below:.

Do you constantly worry about what others think of you? Do you focus on pleasing others or doing what they want? Do you worry more about other people's problems than your own? Do you let others make decisions for you? Are you too dependent on others for emotional, financial, or other support? If you answer "yes" to any of these questions, then being too Externally Controlled may be an underlying reason why you are not as assertive or independent as you could be to maximize your own happiness and confidence in interacting with others.

Often people with strong motivation for intimacy who could be good friends or lovers to others simply don't succeed because they lack self-confidence or are afraid of rejection or other negative consequences. That is sad! I have helped many people overcome lack of self-confidence see reference above and fear of rejection. Many of them were college students who had never had a date. Many problems in relationships are due to our own belief system which gives us an aggressive dominating or nonassertive submissive stance. This often le to a "control" imbalance. This control imbalance almost always increases feelings of resentment and distance.

For example a person with a more nonassertive style might begin feeling resentment and distance and begin to withdraw and to want more "space". It is thus ironic how two people who may have become friends or lovers because one is more "strong" and aggressive and the other is more "agreeable" and nonassertive end up breaking up due to those same underlying characteristics.

It means being sensitive to my own and other peoples' feelings and exploring those feelings to achieve a deeper understanding of the thoughts and beliefs that cause those feelings. It means using open, honest, understanding, and caring communication.

The rewards of the assertive position include 1 being happy myself because I take care of myself well, 2 being happy giving gifts that help you be happy, 3 receiving gifts from you out of your genuine caring back, and 4 both of us feel an increased self-esteem and closeness. Being aggressive or domineering generally involves having a belief system that puts my values and needs above yours almost to the exclusion of yours. The assertive person is strictly honest and always intends to keep his word.

The judgmental person takes the position that they are morally right, have God or some other power of right on their side and that their partner is morally wrong, stupid, or some in some other way not being "good," "intelligent," "kind," "considerate," "assertive," "loving," or something else that is valued by them. The manipulative person uses these labels, etc.

Or, they may take the role of a parent constantly with a person who doesn't need parenting. Being nonassertive generally means having a belief system which emphasizes putting your needs or point of view ahead of my own. Often willing to go to great lengths or at great cost to myself to please the other person--even if I get little else in return. In the long run they loose interest and respect for me and end up rejecting me after all.

Passive control. The positive and negative outcomes of nonassertiveness. The rewards for nonassertiveness include 1 having my needs "taken care of" by someone else, 2 being a "nice guy" that others like because they always get their way with me, 3 getting others' sympathy and support, 4 avoiding anxiety, responsibilities, or having to overcome fears. The dynamics of the "traditional" marriage note: many in many relationships the woman is the dominant partner. The irony is that she may have been initially attracted to him and married him because he was so "strong", "masculine", "decisive", and "sure of himself".

And he may have initially been attracted to her because she was so "emotionally responsive", playful, so "nice", and "needed" him so much. He is used to focusing on his goals and overcoming the objections of others. He may feel very confident that he can take good care of himself and of someone else too. He may be attracted to someone who sees him as "big and strong.

Someone who needs him is much safer, because she is less likely to leave him. She may be used to listening to others and doing what they say. She may not be confident in her own goals, decisions, and skills. She may not be used to being assertive and persistently persuing what she wants.

She may be afraid of conflict, while he may not. She may lack the confidence to be on her own and feel very dependent upon him. Over the years her self-esteem usually diminishes. She may become depressed because she does not feel free and happy to be who she wants. She may resent her partner and feel the love slip away due to that resentment. Yet she may feel so dependent upon him and so afraid of being alone that she doesn't leave him until she becomes very miserable.

Her only way out is to develop her interests, herself, and her assertiveness. She needs to learn how to take care of herself and not be dependent upon her husband for her needs or happiness. Overall, he may be the more satisfied of the two, because he at least has more control. On the other hand, the person he loved has mysteriously become unhappy, depressed, and resentful of him. She is no longer the fun, happy-go-lucky person he dated. She may have little interest in fun or sex. She may have become "boring" to him because she is so easy to control and because she has not developed her interests, herself, and her self-esteem.

She may have become sloppy or care less for her appearance as well. His only way out is to learn to listen to her, give her more love and control, and encourage her self-development.

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